Package time -

Its the secret codeword for "time to look reely important and busy and depressed and frustrated with life in general" - it involves staring at chaotic pieces of code that are strung together blindly on poor, old laptop that s already stuttering and stammering away into oblivion.


Zoom out a little, into the hostel room in general and ull find more of the same species, all creatures exhibitting similar behavioural patterns - an intense frown on the face, a white/blue/black screen on the corresponding laptop that beeps/burps/growls errors at regular intervals, the beeps are followed by further intensification of the existing frown, widening of the eyes, closing of the eyes, a two minute prayer heavenward, opening of the eyes, breathe in, breathe out, fingers that start to squiggle amoeba shapes in the air, inward sighs, outward groans accompanied by frustrated yells, sometimes a slap of the forehead, a moment of euphoria, inspired fingers that race over the keyboard, another beep/burp/growl of an error and we r back on track!



ps: id like all well wishers to know that this is an old post and that iv now made it through those difficult dark times. Im currently alive and breathing but im not too sure about the laptop :/

To each- his own way of grieving

To islero88, for inspiring me to blog,
To someone whose comments on this space will truly be cherished,
For the unparalleled wit and sense of humour that defined you,
For the crazy antics you played with your face,
For the uncanny imitations of a certain Mr.Jeeves,
For your beloved sunny a.k.a the sewing machine,
For the countless ways in which you touched our lives,
For the mad moments that we all shared,
For the warm and sincere person that you were.

arbit-

Its a life that invites,
That pulls,pricks and mocks,
A set of scenes strung together,
A thin strand of memory flipping past them all,
The anticipation of the next moment,
Is determinedly washed down by the previous,
To put a stop to it all,
To paint black over them all,
To think of nothing for just a moment,
To feel the emptyness throbbing thro the body,
To respond to all that with nothing at all,
To be at peace with the mind for once!

NOD along everybody!!

This one's for all of us poor mortals who indulge in that masterful practice of "eyes wide open-head goes up -head goes down-eyes still open" during class. And no- I'm not talking about the much over rated -cliched- much discussed (and frankly a trifle too boring?) set of sleepers-This blog is for the few of us uncool ones- the ones that stay awake and do the head bobbing.

I mean -Enough has been said about all other stereotypes- enough people belong to them- we- the less discussed -the less thought about.We, who have taken the tough decision to stay awake and battle it all out- this blog takes our cause!
And the rest of the world can just pretend to screw up their noses in disgust for all we care but this is who we are- and we know you'r squirming in your seat right now.We'v known it all along ppl! Its official- WAR has been declared!Not us Vs you- silly! Its us Vs them- the ones with the chalk and the walk and the talk-

They declared the war- i maintain-They start with a word, add another word, and then another, and then may be a cuple more and then do it all again!By the fourth round you will find most victims shifting restlessly and another 3-4 rounds later each is into

• humming her/his own tune in the head
• Turning around to see who bunked class(Lucky them!)
• Lovingly patting the edges of ones cell phone
• Wondering what day of the week it is
• Comparing bracelets with ppl 1 row away
• Reminiscing about how one shouldn't have missed that day morning's Dosa in the mess and how one should wake up in the morning the first time the alarm goes off (In my defence- the alarm was soothing to the ear)
• Wondering why the word why meant why

This could like go on-victims are too many- oppurtunities -even more - but the point is that "Ms/Mr Lovingly patting cell phone" by now picks up her/his cell phone and starts punching out the keys with lightning speed,mind numbing accuracy and all this without moving even a single muscle in the rest of(excluding the hand) her/his body.And that, we know, is when the victim recognises herself as being victimised- the first sign of failure!

We, on the other hand, we r still bobbing,let them plough on relentlessly- word after word that they throw at us- we give it back to them.Nod after nod we swallow their weapons, take it with a straight face and still end up looking brave and ready for the next word.I mean, we'v set our inds on staying awake through the entire ordeal-and by staying awake I refer to the "not acting out" of the following acts:

*No shut eye- primary rule.

*No half opened eye that could pass off for the above option either.

*No dropping the head down on the table- it is vital that there be intense eye contact between the victim and the perpetrator in order for both sides to continue waging this hideous war.

We recognise, at this point, that we do take a lot of stress whilst bobbing- and assume that if the bobbing were to become irregular- it would result in the victims(who have by now totally switched off)-not the bobbers- being questioned at random- and that is a scary prospect!(However much we may differ by principle- it all amounts to the fact that we r all students dosnt it!)

And thats why people, that is why we still go on- in the larger interests of the community!

In extreme cases of wartime danger, the bobbers are allowed to doodle on the extreme corners of their notebook's to their hearts content whilst still bobbing the head and looking extremely intrested in the weapons that whiz by.

A word of advice, to prospective bobbers- notes taking is a red herring for the perpetrators and comes as a major relief given the fact that you can avoid eye contact for a while.Also extremely useful is the 3 phase "dropping the pencil-bending down to pick it-never coming up again" act that brings immediate and effective release to prolonged eye contact.However these respites are against the principles of head bobbing and are frowned upon by true blue loyalists!

Meanwhile-Happy bobbing!

The defense rests.

Hmph!

A troubled mind. Waves of nervousness. Anxiety that grips. Alive with questions. Huge gaping holes. oodles of self doubt. smiles that are incomplete. Days that swing by- meaningless.Purpose of life - the very theme.

Brilliantly laid out plans, a smashboard that rocks it all, a tunnel that seems to choke, extends up to infinity.

When the meaning of infinity slaps you. When the person that u are is at conflicts. When all those doubts eat u up from within.

Lingering moments of nerve wrenching pain. The hurt. The mockery. The very idea.
Hmph!

And thats what you thought..

Its an exhausting experience to catch a cold - it is! So you r walking along in this chirpy "life's for me" mood.. smiling at the people around you.. wondering why you arent this way always.. think evreyone loves you.. think you luv everyone.. theres this really soft mellow tune playing itself in your head.. and suddenly somewhere down the road, you find your throat becoming dry and raspy.. and the music in your head becomes grainy and scratchy.. you think your throats giving up on you.. ur imagining a clumsy hand on the insides of your throat banging on the walls of your skin for your attention.. but noooo!! youv got this weird obsession with not falling sick and pretending to be healthy and efficient and not at all dramatic and what not.. so you stil continue the walk, but a small frown clouds your forehead and the tune gets scratchier..

And then the day floats by, with small voices within you whispering about the major cold outbreak that they foresee.. you shush them up rudely and refuse to smile at anyone else.. you decide to eat some icecream out of contempt for the earlier conversation with the voices..

The icecream tastes so soothing.. Its like your telling those voices "ha! so there you go!" and the pesky fat hand in your throat seems to stop its banging.. the icecream melts in your mouth.. you feel it making its way down your throat.. this- you think to urself, this is what life is about- these small moments when you spoil yourself.. you watch the rupee notes trade hands and think to yourself about money being well spent.. if ever investements played any role in your nineteen year old life, this moment was worth the twentyfive bucks!!And then you turn to everything else.. feel yourself getting back the old tune again..Only this time, theres a slightly heavier head to support on your neck..Its like someone watered the insides of your brain.. Yoour thoughts linger on watering the brain..You return a few moments later to your head thats heavier now, than when you started thinking about it.. funny, you say to yourself, what if the head becomes heavier after thinking heavy thoughts! This thought is rudely interrupted by a physical awakening within you-- tumbling out of you with the fury of the avenged-- * hachooo! * *Mua ha ha ha* it seems to say.. sigh! ..With slouched shoulders and a shake of the head, you have no choice but to accept defeat!

P.S: is there a better "noise word" to sound out a sneeze?? All twisted-coined up words are welcome! :)

EYE DO(?)

Ever since i v been shifting in and out of c b e, my eye has taken a strange route towards excerscising its views on the current weather/political scenario.. All of a sudden I wake up in the morning, and i find that one of my eyes hav taken the chinese route towards appearance ..A small lil event occurs around my left eye..

Im going to describe in unwanted excession of detail because im that jobless. so there! it starts with the left most corner of the left eye... Beginning there, a swelling grows around the eye into what i can only describe as a mound of flesh above the eye, intruding into the space rightly reserved for my left eye, leaving my left eye with very little option but to squueeze itself in the remainder of the area, thereby faithfully distorting my vision-- ah but what the hell.. a lil hospitality never hurt any one.. So here I am, painfully parading my genrosity to the outside world, looking like i was punched in my eye by someone last night over the last idly that they served in the hostel..

Sometimes i wonder-- why? why dear god? did u chose the left eye.. The haughty right eye mocks at its counter part and all that people talk about these days when they meet me-- uh oh whats that on the eye..In fact when people don ask me about my eye i tend to get all nervous and jumpy till they notice it and go "bla bla the eye?" and then i breathe easy and say "ok thats one person more on this planet whos now educated about the sty in my eye.."

Its these exact odd days when everybody suddenly wants to take pictures.. go out for food, movies and what not..and ill tag along feeling a bit like i landed from mars and forgot to change my disguise to that of a human..And on the way out when peopl run out of topics.. they look around for sumthing bizarre.. spot my eye and go.. "so hows the eye doing? I think it s better than yesterday.."and sumbody else goes.. "ah.. swear i almost saw her eye disappear under the swelling today morning.. todays her worst yet.." and there i am- beng dissected apart and discussed with more intensity than the emergency in pakistan! I shouldn complain -- guiltyly enough, I actually enjoy the attention.. I jus look into the mirror and sigh like im sufferring from some undiscovered exotic disease and everybody comes up to me and oh so sweetly suggests all those various medicines.. one among which I swear made me glue my eyelid to my eye.. after that i decided-- "Let nature do as it pleases with my face!! i don give a dam!!"

That -- it did, and suddenly (as it always is) one day i wake up in the morning and i find my strange sty has vacated, both my eyes look the same, and i can see clearly again.. Wierdly enough, what is it that i feel -- emptyness?